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Clara Roberts-Oss in high lunge in Baja

I received an email last week from a friend of mine that got me real angry. I put it down and took a few deep breaths. I decided not to read it for a day or so and see how I felt about it then.
Day 2 – read it again. Yup, it still doesn’t sit with me properly.
Great.
Time to investigate.
Question #1 – What about this email triggers me? What expectations do I have? Can I put down my assumptions and move to question #2?
Question #2 – Can I see where the other person is coming from? Can I understand why they would write this?
Question #3 – What do I want out of this relationship or situation?

I’m on day 4 of sitting with this and I’ve learned a lot…about myself. I had expectations on what what kind of relationship I had with this person.
How I currently see it – there are two ways of approaching relationships. One from a place of team spirit, we’re in this together, let’s find a way to work this out together. The other is that the you’re on your own. You operate from a solo mentality, I can figure this out on my own. In this one, you know that the other is operating from the same place so there’s a clear understanding that we’re taking care of our own needs.

Sometimes we assume other people are using the same approach we are. And what I realized that in this situation, we may not be. Are they on a solo mission and I’m thinking we’re a team? Back to question #3 – What do I want? I want this relationship to have a strong team spirit!
Question #4 – How do I rally my team mate to join the team?
First I must reveal how I feel, without pointing fingers.
Second, I make a request of what I’d like to see happen.
Third, I wait and see how they respond. With the third step, I must remember that I do the “action for the sake of the action, not to bear the flirt of one’s action” as Krishna says to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita. Meaning, I need to let go of expectations of what I want them to say and instead stay open to what they say. (( This is the hardest step )) And based on their response, I can make a choice of whether or not to continue with this relationship or whether to step away.

This is my yoga in action. First I start with self inquiry. How does this feel in my body? What’s the quality of my mind? Put it down for a bit and revisit it. In a different state, does it still feel the same or has it changed? Next I get clear on what I feel. If there’s someone else involved, I try to understand where they might be coming from. After I’ve workshopped both those things, I then ask, what do I want out of this situation? Once I’ve got all of that, then I act. I put what I’m feeling out into the world and see how it lands. Sometimes this process is quick and sometimes it takes a few days. My biggest lesson from this – don’t act until I’m clear about how I feel and what I want.

Questions for you friends –
What do you want out of your relationships?
How do you communicate your feelings and desires?
How do you work with your own expectations and disappointments?
Got any advice to share?

Tell me, tell me.
Clara

Current things I’m diggin’

 

This is Bobby McFerrin – Spotify playlist
How To Be An Elder by Clarissa Pinkola Estes – audio book
Ted Lasso – light hearted TV series