The Night Kali Made Her Appearance

Back in 2012, I was living in Istanbul for a month, teaching at a local studio, collaborating with a longtime friend of mine who is a music producer and DJ. He and I have known each other for years and act like siblings (my brother from another mother). Most of the time, our relationship is smooth, but at times, especially when we live together, it can get bumpy. This month ended up being our most challenging time ever. 

We learned we keep different schedules, have different ideas of daily life and communicate differently.  As we made our way through the month, we started to get triggered by the other. We’d have a rupture and once we had time and space, we’d come back together and process it. But it was happening at least once a week, so by the third week, we needed a break. We decided that checking out another city for a few days might help. We headed to Cappadocia. The  town was super interesting and the place we stayed in felt haunted. Instead of smoothing things over, many of our issues surfaced. On our way back to Istanbul, it all came to a head. We needed some time and space away from each other to process. We had made plans to stay with a friend of ours but failed to ask about the sleeping arrangements. We got to her house only to discover that we’d be sharing a room and a small bed (think not quite a double, not quite a single). For whatever reason, there wasn’t a couch for us to crash on. When we found this out, we started to laugh. Oh Universe – you are a tricky one! 

By the time we got into bed, I was shaking, I was so angry and I was doing my best not to say anything or do anything mean or destructive, as was he. I put my headphones on, turned on a yoga nidra (guided meditation) and closed my eyes. One of my tools when I’m feeling ungrounded (what we now call disregulated) is imagine weaving a cocoon of white light around my body, like a force field of energy to protect my being and create a boundary. So I’m weaving my cacoon and as my body relaxes, Kali appears in my mind’s eye. She’s ginormous. Her skin is black, her hair is floating around her like snakes, her eyes are wide and she was hissing. She was angry. At first, I was terrified! What did she want? What was she going to do with me? Was I going crazy?? My body starts to tremble and I’m freaking out. Is she going to kill me? I wait and so does she. She’s just looking at me. I ask her, what do you want? 

She does not move her lips but I hear her in my head – “I am FURIOUS with you.”

“With me? Why?”

“Because you have been untrue to yourself. You have put your friend’s needs before your own and that is stupid. You cannot be of service if you do not care for yourself”. 

Shit. She’s right.

The largest point of contention between my friend and I is that I assume I know what he wants and act accordingly. I don’t think to stop and ask him. He gets mad because he doesn’t feel considered and then I spend the rest of the time trying to make it up to him because I don’t like it when someone is mad at me. When I’m in that pattern, I’m no longer in integrity, no longer integrated in my body. I’m moving from a place of fear and that’s no fun to be around. Then I get angry because the other person is not appreciating what I’m trying to do and the cycle just keeps going from there. And three weeks in, everyone is exhausted. 

Kali goes on to explain that I need to recenter myself. “Stop moving from a place of fear, it doesn’t serve anyone”. 

As I moved through this conversation, I realized I had been trying to suppress my anger until I was alone and able to process it. Because there was no option to be alone, I was shaking. I had never had a visitation from Kali before and realized it was the vehicle in which my anger could speak to me. 

Kali has always been one of my favorite Hindu goddesses. I love her intensity, her “no bullshit” policy, her thirst and passion. She came to be as a “hail mary” during a battle Durga, the warrior goddess, was having with Raktabīja. Raktabīja was a tricky asura/demon. Every drop of his blood that touched the ground, a clone would rise up. Durga has 10 arms, 10 weapons but she can only do so much. As Durga realizes this, she calls forth Kali who is born out of Durga’s third eye. Kali begins to catch and drink the blood, as Durga is slaying the clones. Finally Durga is able to kill Raktabīja. By the end of the battle, Kali is entranced by her blood thirst and continues to eat everything. Shiva sees this and lays down before her as an offering, a sacrifice. Kali sees this passive being in her path and it brings her out of the trance.

Kali is one of the most wrathful of the Hindu goddesses. She is known as the fierce mother. She is fearless, angry and full of rage. And her actions are rooted in love and the desire to protect. I relate to her. There is a lot anger in my being, both my own and the collective rage that my gender embodies. 

What I’ve learned from Tantric philosophy is that rage and anger are pure shakti, pure energy. They are indicators that something is very wrong and it’s asking for your attention. When I feel either of these emotions, I get still and check in: what are you telling me? What do I need to pay attention to? And once I get my answer, I act. The key is to be integrated before acting, meaning I’ve moved out of my fear body and connected to my power center. Another way to think about it – instead of reacting, respond. Work out the feeling, figure out what to do, then sit with it for a minute, then respond. 

I’ve always been a big feeler and when anger would arise, I would react by lashing out. I was blinded by the emotion and would destroy anything in my path with words or actions. It was destructive and volatile and it made me feel ALIVE. I loved the feeling, it’s power, it was delicious. However, it wasn’t sustainable and it wasn’t constructive. After an episode, I would have to “clean up” what I had destroyed.

I started practicing yoga and meditation in my late teens, early 20s. I developed more self awareness which helped me transform this pattern into something that fuels my actions in a positive way. Now when these shaktas (energies) visit me, I listen. I get quiet and I listen. What am I missing? What do I need to pay attention to? I found that I needed to disengage from the situation in order to be able to listen. The night Kali visited me was the first time I saw my anger personified. It was powerful! 

When I first came to yoga, I wasn’t sure if there was a place for me. What I had read in the Yoga Sutras and heard from teachers was to avoid strong “negative” emotions, to suppress them. That didn’t feel right. But it also didn’t feel right to just let the emotions take over. Then I found some great books that talked about Kali, what they learned from studying her and how to channel that energy to elevate their minds.

A Quote from The Wild & Sacred Feminine Oracle deck for Kali :

“Kali Ma comes to you with fierce love, challenging you to dance upon the corpse of that which no longer serves. Something greater will emerge. What destructive patterns in yourself can be slain so that your love can flow unbounded? What illusions can be sacrificed in the name of freedom and truth? Put your trust in the questions themselves. Abide in this: the hold grit of your own fierce love will clear the path forward.”